How do we "know" when we've found love.....how do we define this emotion that we would trudge over mountains to reach? We even sometimes trash perfectly good relationships in the hopes of finding more of it. Some people even spend the majority of their time thinking about, striving-praying-hoping for and yes, even seeing psychics for predictions of when it will FINALLY be their turn at the love wheel.
After having spent years helping people decipher their relationships, I've decided the best way to understand love is to break it down into small, more manageable parts and examine the components of what it is we are all so desperately seeking.
Let's begin with the question of "How do we know for certain that we have it?" Is it when we experience that initial rush of lust and excitement, the butterflies-in-our-stomach feeling that happens just at the mere sound of our lover's voice? But alas, we know that can't be it as that feeling never seems to last very long. Then we wonder, when that feeling ends, are we out of love?
If not, then why does this great feeling have to end? Have we quit trying; quit putting in the effort to keep the energy positive in our relationships? Or, is love a little like everything else in our lives and it's supposed to relax into a nice comfortable place for us to be. A place that while secure and safe no longer seems to be supplying those initial feelings that we have become so addicted to.
Does love grow with age and change with maturity much the same as we do? Or, should it always leave us wanting more? Many people would opt for the latter.
I believe that in a "perfect" world we would find our "soul mate" and fall helplessly in love with them and always be absolutely certain that he or she is the ideal person that perfectly compliments our life. Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world.
So what then? Do we settle? And if we do settle for less than what we think is possible in a relationship, will we miss out on our soul mate? Would he or she have been the next person we met? You know what I'm talking about, the "what if" game.....what if I'd waited for the next person...what if I settled for something less than what I could have had....what if I'm not "in love" with the person I'm with, but rather I just love them...you know the "like a brother or sister" thing.
Yet on the other hand, if we don't settle we worry that we will let someone leave our lives that possibly were meant to be our partner, but simply failed to either set off the fireworks we had expected, or the fireworks stopped all too sudden?
Think back to your first "real" love; the one that made you feel complete and whole just being in their presence. The one that you never questioned was the right one for you because you simply "knew" they were. Very likely this is the one who started this whole fireworks thing. This is the one who set our expectations so high.
I do believe that our first real love is always the most potent. It consumes us and everything else in its way, and it is G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S........no doubt about it. Yet with it usually comes that first heartache, and how gut-wrenching and life consuming is that? This is the time that I believe is the beginning of the end of our loving in a natural and unencumbered way.
This first heartbreak changes us. We, at the very core of ourselves have just experienced something so deeply profound through this experience that we can't help but become altered to one degree or another. When you think about, it's not really that different than any other life experience, in that we are changed in the end because of having experienced it all.
So as we continue to look for that same feeling in a new love, we can't find it because the way in which we give and receive love has been altered permanently. I believe that even if the "perfect" person were to stumble upon us, we couldn't love them like we loved the first time, because we are now different people, who love in a very different way.
Does that mean we love our new love any less? I don't believe so. We just love them differently. Just because it doesn't feel as powerful, doesn't mean it isn't. Perhaps through the wisdom of our first love we learn that we would rather love long-ly, than completely. And perhaps we are more hesitant in the beginning, and we can't be as vulnerable and open as we were with the first love, which means we can't feel the same intensity as we did then. It's just no longer coded within us.
I believe that the earth is constructed as a wonderful teaching planet precisely because of the emotional range that is possible here; thus, through experience and maturity our emotional range changes too. Not because we want it to necessarily, but because it also ages and matures with our experiences.
So we have to learn that our definition of love has changed, and we must adjust our previous thoughts of how love would feel in order to ever really love someone again.
As far as holding out for that perfect person goes, I don't really believe that there is only one perfect person, one "soul mate" so to speak. Instead, I believe there are many potential people who will enter our lives that we may choose to love and build a relationship with, but it is always up to us if we do so. Fate and Destiny will provide the opportunity, perhaps even the initial encounter, but the outcome is always our choice.
The idea of a "soul mate" coming to rescue us from our hum-drum life is tempting and exciting, but doubtful at best. Besides who wants to be rescued from their life, their lessons and their growth? What kind of life would that be?
I also believe that at when you leave your current relationship in search of this perfect other, that you very well will come across another one. In fact, I believe there is always someone else out there for you. But don't fool yourself; everyone comes with their own karma, strengths and weaknesses. We all have a little baggage in tow. No one is really your White Knight unless you believe that they are.
Yet at the same time, I know that if you stay with someone simply for security and familiarity, then you may always feel like you have settled for less than what you could have had. And in all reality, you may have. But I know for certain that if you feel like you have settled, then you will live the rest of your life feeling like you have settled, and that's no way to live.
My idea of a "good" relationship is one in which it begins by your loving each other. Too many people pick apart their love by trying to categorize it or by constantly internally questioning am I "in love" or do I just love them? My belief is that if you love someone, then you love them.....period.
The fancy whistles and lights are so much less than they are cracked up to be, and in truth, are probably nothing more than your hormones going a little wacky. And that won't last, this we know for sure. In fact, if those initial feelings did last, I think it would eventually kill us all. Our bodies aren't equipped to handle so much adrenaline for very long. Or, at the very least we would completely burn out on the thought of being in love, as the burden of always be overwhelmed and out-of-control would be far too much for anyone to carry.
In my opinion, a good relationship is comprised of a few very simple ingredients. Those being as follows; I believe if you love someone, if you respect them as a human being and how they try to live their lives, if when you think of "home" you think of them.....and as Dr. Phil might say, when you need a soft place to fall, you know they'll try their best to be that for you. Then, you just might be onto something valuable.
I believe love grows more full bodied (no pun intended) and deeply soulful with age. And that a love that can endure hardships of any kind and keep on running, even when you are not diligently steering the wheel, is a good love.
While we are here on this earth we need someone to help us through our difficult times, and so many loves fall apart during those very times. So when you find one that doesn't, you just might want to hang onto it.
Love is a state of mind. It is a commitment you make to always try to love that person, regardless of whether they are experiencing their high times or their low. It is as strong as steel, as reliable as the setting sun, and as deeply responsive as you choose to make it. It is special, a gift and a blessing.
Yet with all that said, love does end sometimes. I believe that divorce is not always the only option, but sometimes it is necessary. I believe there are times that we are put here to be with a certain person, but only for a while. Then, when the lesson they have come to teach us is learned, or the karma repaid, we may need to move on. Only you can know this, but try to be honest with yourself. Don't allow yourself to upset the apple cart just because the grass may be greener somewhere else. Quite often that's only an illusion anyway.
I have found that when divorce is really necessary, I know it. I don't think it or have to debate it....I KNOW the relationship is over because I don't love that person any more. I care for them and wish them the very best in life, but I can feel with absolute certainty that it's time to move on. I believe love is honest in that way.
I've found that the lasting loves are the ones that just keep on going and allow you to focus on other goals and areas of learning, while remaining deeply supportive and protective.
Personally, I always do a little test. I close my eyes and try to picture my life 5 years from now both with and without my current partner. I notice what I'm doing, feeling and who is around me. If 5 years from now I find my life is good and full with this person, then I'm going to try to hang onto and feed our relationship. If not, if it's full of arguments, resentments, lies, abuse, whatever....then I cut my losses. Love should never cause more pain than happiness....this I am sure of.
Love isn't always as obviously grand and spectacular as so many would have you believe. But even in the longest of relationships, there are moments, brief as they may be, that you do "feel it" again. You look at your partner and the butterflies take hold. This is when you know, you're indeed onto something special.
What I know for sure about love is this; I believe that love is always worth the risk, and if you don't give love, the receiving is not nearly as fun. I also believe that in the end, living a loving life is really the only thing that matters. And lastly, I believe that being in love is very simple. Its people that make it complicated.
For those of you who are currently in a relationship, appreciate the fact that you have someone who loves you and work each day to love them more, instead of looking for reasons to love them less.
For those of you who aren't in a relationship, I've often found that once you stop needing love, once you quit frantically searching for it, it seems to find you. Can't say I know why this is true, only that it is.
My hope for you is that you love often and largely. I hope you don't harm your love by looking for its imperfections. And I hope you understand what a gift it is to feel such an intense emotion...appreciate it, nurture it and above all, share it.
This is what I know about love.
